Five Months

This memorial post is about a week “overdue.”  I was really struck by some heavy-hitting emotions last week as the fifth-month mark of Duncan’s birth and death came and went, and it’s been a little hard to put my feelings into bloggable words.

As some of you may or may not know, with the passing of Duncan’s August due date, coupled with his tree planting, many prayers, many more tears, and lots of conversations with each other and those whose opinions we trust, Jim and I decided to stop preventing a new pregnancy.

With that conscious decision came a lot of unexpected (and some expected) emotions and excitements and fears.  Was it too soon?  What if it happened right away?  What if it didn’t happen for a while?  What if the next baby was another boy?  What if it was a girl?  Would I be scared each day of my pregnancy?  Would I enjoy any of it?

Obviously, the majority of those questions have yet to be answered.

But how does this all relate to Duncan?

I just don’t want to forget him.  And at times, I feel like I am.

A few weeks ago, I was at a home party, and they were playing this little ice-breaker game before the presentation where a gift bag was passed from woman to woman as different “identifying” statements were made: give the gift to the one who came the farthest; to the one who has the longest hair; to the newest mom.

And wouldn’t you know it?  The presenter said that “newest mom” thing, and I looked around the room waiting for someone to reach for the bag.  And they were all staring back at me.  And I said:

“Well, yeah…..I guess….if you count Duncan.”

Seriously?  Those words from my mouth?  Had someone else said them, I’d most likely have clocked her.  But in my heart of hearts, I sincerely wasn’t thinking of Duncan while the phrase “new mom” hung in the air.

And I still don’t really know where to put that.

So, my five month post is going to fall a little short.  Because I’m in a new place.  Not necessarily a bad place.  Just new, and unfamiliar.  And I didn’t want another day to go by before acknowledging the passing of another month of Duncan’s life.

Because although I may not bring him to mind, on demand, in any particular given moment, not a day goes by that I don’t think of him, and miss him, and wish he were here.