In the trenches

So, hi.

We're here.

It's been a lovely week of spring weather, except for Wednesday, who had an attitude and threw a 40-degree day in the mix. So, lots of time out in the sun, at the park, walking around the neighborhood.

No news on the baby front. I have an ob appointment on Tuesday morning. Having some thoughts and concerns (don't worry, Mom, or anyone else) that I hope will prompt Dr. Morgan to order an ultrasound, but I'm not holding my breath.

Seth is at this very moment screaming at me and pounding on his crib rails, and I'm crying right along with him. Since we got back from our trip to Ohio, combined with Daylight Savings Time I think, we have been having major sleep issues, both at nap time, and at bed time. Namely that he doesn't want to. Sleep. EVER.

I feel horrible for letting him cry in his room, but I KNOW that he needs to rest -- he played hard at MOPS this morning. And to be honest, I need a little down time of my own.

Daina has been telling me for weeks that I'm not really "dealing with" all the changes that I've undergone in the last several weeks -- well, really, since the move. To which I've argued that "dealing with it" is exactly what I've been doing.

But as I sat at MOPS this morning and fought back tears the whole time, I realized that maybe I'm not "dealing" with things well.

I tried to ask a question about how to talk to your spouse about differences in parenting without it seeming like you're fronting a strategic attack, and, whoa, did I get some pretty intense responses. Talk about feeling attacked. And as I sat there and listened to these women offer their "advice" and "two cents," all I kept thinking was "this is not how this conversation would be going if I were having it with Sara" (Seth's former babysitter and my mommy hero).

She would have understood exactly where I was coming from. She would have known exactly what to say, too, and how to say it. And knowing that just brought to the surface all of the other emotions I've been tamping down.

I'm homesick. I'm lonely. I'm longing for real relationships. I feel really, really overwhelmed with parenting a toddler, while feeling like the calendar is already racing towards August when a newborn will be added to the mix.

I don't think it will surprise anyone to hear me say that this current pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected. But maybe it'll surprise you to know that I still feel, four months into it, that IF I could turn back time, and IF I could control what happened, that I would choose to postpone this pregnancy, oh, about a year.

Does that mean I don't want this baby? No, so get off your high horse and stop judging me for what I just said. I'm just being honest. With boxes that are still unpacked, papers to be filed that are literally spilling to the floor, artwork yet to be hung, laundry piling up into unmanageable heaps, this pregnancy just feels like another thing on a never-ending list of things to be "dealt with." And I hate that! Could I sound any less maternal?

This is why I'm so eager to have another ultrasound, to know the gender, to choose a name and a nursery color scheme, to give a personality and a place to this little person who is coming whether or not I feel ready/capable/competent enough.

And I'm realizing as I run out of steam that this post is very much all over the place.

So, if you're reading, and have some piece of advice or "I've been there" story.....can I just ask that you not share it? Not right now, anyway. I'm just feeling really fragile, and I'm afraid that I'll take anything left in the comments too personally, or too negatively, or too something.

So, let's just leave it at "thank you for reading" and if you want, I could sure use your prayers. I know that this is just a season, and it will pass, but right now, in the trenches, it kinda sucks, and I kind of want out.